I have stammered since the age of 3 years old, so I really cannot remember a time when I didn’t.
Stammering did a HUGE number on me. I found it incredibly difficult to make friends. I didn’t try at school because in my head, no one would ever employ me as I couldn’t even speak ‘properly’.
I lived in a constant state of hyper anxiety – I woke up each day terrified of any speaking situations and went to bed each night anticipating the next day’s speaking situations. Future telling was my strong point – I was always worried and stressed.
The stammer prevented me from reading my son a bedtime story, and as a single parent I was afraid to talk to him lest he copy the way that I spoke. Engaging with the other parents was nigh on impossible. I led a lonely life, and this led to full blown depression, which I endured for almost 20 years. This was an incredibly tough time for me, but as I had a stammer, I couldn’t even talk about it.
In 2017, I turned 40 and had stammered for 37 years! It was time to change and to take back control. I have full belief in the Law of Attraction, and I honestly think that my change in attitude led to the changes that have occurred since.
In late 2017, I did a Google search, for what I have no idea, and stumbled upon the Scottish Stammering Network (SSN). I plucked up the courage to attend one of their open days on 21st April 2018. I recall standing outside the venue with a demon and angel on each shoulder – one encouraging and the other telling me there was no way I could go in there. What if I was asked to speak!!!!!!!!!!!! I fought with the demon and boy am I glad that I did. The SSN and their open day was the catalyst of everything that has happened since.
I took a chance on change, and it changed my life for the better!
In August 2018, I set up the new Fife support group for the SSN and became a trustee.
In October 2018, I attended a costal breathing course. This was the 2nd course I had attended but the one that ‘worked’ for me.
With the help of the SSN I realised that there were others who ‘spoke a bit like me’ and this knowledge provided me the courage to do the costal breathing course again. I suddenly had a huge family of people who truly ‘got it’, and on returning from the costal breathing course in October 2018, spoke to almost 100 people at the Glasgow Scottish Stammering Network open day. What an achievement!!!!
At work I became more confident. In life I became more confident. Everyone noticed the changes. The depression finally disappeared. The anxiety was more controllable. My speech was more controllable. I was finally accepted for being me by my peers – the stammering community is amazing and extremely supportive.
My confidence continued to grow, and I completed Toastmasters in 2021. I have done many online events and interviews since gaining my speech freedom (someone once told me that only a Scot can say the word ‘freedom’ properly and with conviction!!!!).
I continued to grow and change as a person and decided that working, or hiding, in my case, behind a computer was no longer an option for me. I wanted to do something important and challenge myself every day. I took a job as an advocate, supporting others to have their voices heard – oh, the irony!!! I’m now moving into a new role as the Volunteer Coordinator for Scotland, which I am really excited about. The other ironic thing – the charity I work for is called VoiceAbility – you just could not make that stuff up!!!! The universe playing funny games with me, I think!
In January 2024 I became involved with setting up Empowering Voices.
I am so proud to be a trustee of Empowering Voices. I want this charity to grow into something even more amazing than it has already proven to be. My vision, as the only Scottish trustee (presently) is to provide more treatment/therapy choice to others on their stammering journey, at a reasonably affordable price, in Scotland. I want to empower others to be the best version of themselves, and I firmly believe that Empowering Voices can help with this.
Costal breathing is not for everyone, but it has helped me and so many others. It is hard work, and a constant work in progress, but is so much easier than fighting the stammer each day.
I have made many, many friends since meandering onto this pathway of my own stammering journey and I am forever grateful to all of those who have supported me along the way, and who continue to support me each and every day. I don’t have to fit in, I simply belong, and that is truly wonderful.
The stammering community is truly amazing, and I celebrate each and every one of you, no matter what path you choose to follow on your stammering journey.
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